Today’s edition of the Two Minutes Hate, brought to you by GloboCap, Inc., and featuring an all-star line-up of GloboCap Goldsteins, will begin shortly. Please take your seat and switch off your remaining critical faculties. We’ve got a butt-load of hate in store for you today. First, though, a few important announcements.

First, due to the increased number of Goldsteins threatening the very fabric of democracy, and GloboCap, Inc., and its global partners, and their assorted subsidiaries, agents, and assigns, the Two Minutes Hate has been extended beyond its traditional two-minute running time and will henceforth be presented more or less around the clock until further notice.

Also, in a departure from the original Two Minutes Hate in Orwell’s 1984, we’re going to skip the opening “this is our land” part, which is (a) dated and (b) unacceptably unrepresentative of the racial, ethnic, and gender diversity of the New Normal Reich…

…and get right down to the “shrieking hatred at the images of Goldstein” part.

Please be advised that the following content contains material designed to whip the masses into a mindless frenzy of hatred, which some audiences may find distressing. Other audiences might find it amusing. After all, there’s no accounting for taste. Regardless of which audience you feel you are a member of, viewer discretion is not advised. In fact, exposure to the following content is pretty much mandatory, and is physically inescapable, unless you live “off-grid” in the woods somewhere, which you don’t, or you wouldn’t be reading this.

OK, that’s it for the pre-show announcements. Time for the hate! Ready? Here we go.

NEW NORMAL GOLDSTEIN NUMBER ONE

Goldstein Number One is obviously Trump, who is both a Russian asset and literally Hitler. The fact that Trump is literally Hitler was conclusively established in 2017 by Ron Rosenbaum, who apparently wrote a book about Hitler, and is a “world expert on the Nazi leader,” according to The Independent.

But, even back in 2016, before the Russians “hacked the election” and stole the presidency from Hillary Clinton by “weaponizing African American voters” with anti-masturbation memes on Facebook, everybody already knew he was Hitler …

Plus, Jason Stanley (the Jacob Urowsky Professor of Philosophy at Yale University!) and The New York Times proved it in this 2018 video! And the BBC found a random “German guy” who said it, so what more proof do you need? Even his former lawyer now confirms it!

But it isn’t just that Trump is literally Hitler, he’s also a literal Russian asset, as Jonathan Chait reported in New York Magazine in February of 2021!

Of course, by that time, everybody already knew that he was a Russian operative, and a treasonous traitor, and Putin’s homosexual lover, as The New York Times revealed in this charming little animated film!

And all that was before he ordered his underground white-supremacist Putin-Nazi forces to try to overthrow the US government by frontally assaulting the Capitol Building with two or three hundred unarmed bozos and assorted federal agents in MAGA hats!

As Michael Fanone, a former DC cop who was brutally assaulted during the rioting, and who is currently a “law enforcement analyst” and an on-air contributor at CNN, put it when the latest indictment of Trump was announced…

“I felt proud to be an American, much of the way I did when when I learned that our military had killed Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden was a terrorist who committed a horrific act against American people and against our Republic. I believe Donald Trump is a terrorist who committed horrific acts against the American people.”

So, shout it out: TRUMP! TRAITOR! TERRORIST! PUTIN’S COCK HOLSTER! OSAMA BIN HITLER!

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